Gobble Gobble and Ho Ho Ho

I miss blogging. There probably isn't a day that goes by that I don't have at least one if not two or three thoughts that could each inspire a reasonable blog post - and I didn't even write Nate's 2 1/2 year post yet... but time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping... into the future? No, not so much. Into my job, my second job, and I would say grad school but I've been neglecting that entirely. (Bad, bad, bad.) It's my day job, my online tutoring 2nd job, and housework. Ridiculous.

My job has been busy and frustrating in a lot of ways, but I'm strongly committed to not talking about work in a disparaging way online since I think it's not a very smart thing to do. Everyone has complaints about their jobs and in some jobs some complaints are standard (meetings suck, travel can be annoying, grading papers or writing lesson plans is time-consuming and frustrating) but complaining about those things rarely feels constructive to me. Two days ago I read an old post I wrote when I first got this job and all the hopefulness I had, all the potential I believed there was - it made me break down and sob because none of it has come to pass. All the things I thought would be great have either turned out to be false or have changed since I first started my job four years ago. I haven't ever held a job this long without any type of advancement/promotion and it's beginning to crush my soul.

I adore grad school and continue to feel sad that my second run through isn't as lovely as my first was, where I was in school full-time and working as a TA. That sort of life wouldn't be feasible for me now (hello bills, child, etc) but the way in which I was allowed to focus on grad school AS my job then was just beautiful and there isn't a week that goes by that I don't miss it. I pretty much suck as a student now because I just cannot put in the time my work deserves/requires. I feel like the grad school equivalent of the students I tutor at work and I don't like it.

I just need more time... or less to do. Not having my weekends 100% free for grad school work doesn't help. My weekends are 100% Nate - and while I love it, it doesn't get my work done. And this spring I'm supposed to finish my final paper for my Ed.M., which is in essence my dissertation proposal - so, you know, no small potatoes. I'm going to have to figure out some kind of miracle this spring in order to pull this off.

The nice thing is, though, that I've been able to put all of this stress aside a lot of the time and enjoy the here-and-now when it presents itself. Thanksgiving was really enjoyable yesterday - just sitting with my family and eating and talking and laughing and playing with the kids. And I'm excited for Christmas this year, more so than I have been the last two years. We're no better off financially than the past two years, so maybe I'm just getting used to it, I don't know. But I'm feeling Christmas-y and looking forward to putting up our tree this weekend, especially since it's the first year Nate will really enjoy it AND (hopefully) not have the impetus to wreck it.

And I just really need to write more. I have this tiny little dusty corner of the Intarwebz for myself; I should make use of it.

Hey June, don't let the door hit ya...

I love some of the euphemisms that we use in English. Like, "Boy, today has been A DAY." Well, yes, every day is a day. But we know that it means it's been a remarkably bad day.

In that vein, June has been a month. It has been/is one of those times where it might be okay if one area of life wasn't exploding. We talk about work/life balance, but really, isn't work part of your life? You're lying to yourself if you say otherwise. Even I, who very diligently does not speak much about work outside of work, do things in my time away from work specifically because of my work obligations. I plan meals, childcare arrangements, time off, allocate funds, and so on.

Well, lately that balance has been hanging on by a thread. My job has been very busy and life at home has been a bit busy. I'm thankful that everything going on now did not happen during April/May when I was swamped with grad school work so I do have more time than I did last month to take care of things.

I hate being vague because 1) it annoys me immensely when others do it and 2) I'm not very good at it, but I really can't go into detail with what's been keeping us busy at home. My marriage is fine, my family is fine, our collective health is fine, so it's nothing big like that - just an ongoing annoyance and distraction. I think we're getting close to being done with it, though, and I will be extremely grateful to move on from what has been a mentally exhausting stretch of time.

I have better hopes for July, though I know stating that here is equivalent to going outside and yelling, "Wow, my life is going to be SO GOOD now! Nothing can go wrong!" and having something fall on me as I walk away. My life isn't going to be SO GOOD. But it's going to be better. It's not as good as I thought it would be three, five, seven years ago, but it'll be better than it's been this month.

On a seemingly lighter note, the one really great thing to come out of June has been Songza. Are you on board? It's my absolutely favorite music app ever, by far. I have it on my iPad and iPhone and listen to it at work every day. It's a "concierge" music app, meaning it offers you selections based on the time of day and what you indicate you're doing.

I got to what I'm listening to right now by choosing Work (with lyrics), Pop, Safe For Work. And so far the playlist has been 80% music I actually already own or know and like (R.E.M., Natalie Merchant, Radiohead, Coldplay, Ben Folds Five, U2, Mazzy Star). Like Pandora, you give songs a thumbs up or thumbs down so Songza learns what you like. I really, really love it. It's available for iPhone/iPad, Android, and Kindle Fire - and it's FREE. Go get it, seriously. It seems like such a light note, but good music can really make a difference when everything in life is meeting you with the resistance of gale force winds.

You must change your life.

Tonight is the last evening of school for me for this semester and I am truly looking forward to it, mostly because one of the two classes I took this semester was frustrating in ways that I have not been frustrated by a class in probably over fifteen years. Also, while I love school, the time it requires puts stress on my family schedule and I'm looking forward to having fewer things pulling me away from Nate for a few months.

But I'm already missing the other class I took and it's not even over until tonight.

This semester I took a visual arts research methods course and it is not an understatement to say that it has possibly changed my life.

Being a writer in a community of artists has been enlightening. My academic pursuits have always been near the art world since writers often interact with artists in the larger cultural world, but it's been a while since I've even been in the world of writers. I was a literature student and college instructor after I finished my creative writing work and now I'm an education student and tutoring supervisor - roles that don't provide much (any) creative support.

My classmates in this research class are an amazing group. They actually create art. Maybe some of you know people who create art regularly and who consider themselves artists as an essential part of their being. Or maybe you even are one of these people. I don't interact with many artists in my day-to-day (non-online) life.

Sure, I know artists online, as well as musicians and bloggers and people who create things like invitations or photographs for a living. But for me, being with people who do this other kind of art - stuff involving paper and paint and sculpture and metal - has been life changing.

I had forgotten. I used to write poetry regularly. I have a B.A. in creative writing, for which I produced what would be a chapbook of poetry. I lived and breathed poetry every day because I was in constant production.

Today I produce family meals and emails and presentations and occasional blog posts. I find joy in all of this, but it's not the same. Other people produce poetry in cooking or baking; I do not. I enjoy it, but it's a little like paint-by-numbers for me - I'm just following what someone else designed before me. I'm not inventing.

But this class has lit (re-lit) the invention flame and even possibly altered the course and focus of my future dissertation. As I finished up my final projects for this class, I found myself feeling like it was all really a beginning, not an end in the slightest.

For class tonight, I made Joy the Baker's Lemon, Lime and Thyme sugar cookies and Chamomile Mini Cakes (cupcakes) with honey frosting (both from her cookbook). They seem like just sort of precious, delicate, to-be-savored-with-a-smile type of treats appropriate for tonight. I know I'm going to want to cry and hug my professor when I leave class tonight, but I'll just make sure she and everyone else has the sweet treats instead.

This poem pops up a lot in my life and in my head. It's one of those pieces that I get something different from every time I read it and this week is no different.

Archaic Torso of Apollo
~Rainer Maria Rilke

We cannot know his legendary head
with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso
is still suffused with brilliance from inside,
like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low,
gleams in all its power. Otherwise
the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could
a smile run through the placid hips and thighs
to that dark center where procreation flared.

Otherwise this stone would seem defaced
beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders
and would not glisten like a wild beast's fur:

would not, from all the borders of itself,
burst like a star: for here there is no place
that does not see  you. You must change your life.

Wednesday Ramblings

I love Greek yogurt because it's given back to me the ability to eat "fruit on the bottom" yogurt. The kind I grew up eating has way too much sugar in it, but the Greek yogurt ones are tolerable and higher in protein.

Every time I hear INXS on the radio, I feel a little sad about the loss of Michael Hutchence.

I let Nate help me walk Buster for the first time this week. He giggled the WHOLE walk (we walked two blocks and back) and especially giggled when Buster stopped to "do his business." I guess potty humor is potty humor even when it's dog on grass humor? (I hate potty humor, for the record. My husband thinks this makes me an anomaly. I just don't like it.)

walking the dog, hand in hand holding the leash

I got an 89 on a paper I got back yesterday. No matter how old you are or how long you've been in school, that is a maddening grade to get.

Instagram is finally available for Android!! I adore Instagram (I've been using it on my iPad for a while), but my pictures aren't terrific, mostly because I don't go many places or do many things other than work, school, and home. But it's fun for finding the fun or beautiful moments in those seemingly simple things. (I'm bookishpenguin on there.)

I never wrote a 22 month letter to Nate. I keep debating writing one and back-dating it but that would be ridiculous. See next week for a combination 22/23 month letter.

This Saturday I have off, as usual, but the hubby also has off because we have a family birthday dinner to go to that evening (my "little" brother is turning 30!). We're both so excited to have a day off together. At the same time, I'm almost dreading it because it's just going to make it all the clearer how much it sucks that we don't usually have any days off together. It'll be a year next month on this schedule, which is kind of crazy to think about. A whole year of being married with a toddler and not having any regular days off together is exhausting mentally and physically. But we're hanging in.

To quote my grandmother's most famous lines in our family: It's not easy. But you do what you can.

Question Time

My friend, Nicole, has a blog - Constructive Compulsion - and it is probably the best-written blog I read. She works as an editor and I tremble at the thought of ever having her look at something I've written because I'm pretty sure she'd smile at me while tearing it to shreds. Not in a mean way, mind you - but in the "this medicine is good for you" and "why don't you know this with all your degrees" kind of way.

But anyway, she has her first meme up and I figured I'd have a go at it. What blogger doesn't love to talk about herself/himself? (One who doesn't really have a blog, probably.)

The Rules:
1. Post the rules
2. Share 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions posted to you from your tagger
4. Come up with 11 new questions for the people you tag
5. Tag your peeps on Twitter, Facebook, or on your blog

11 Random Things About Me:

1. I like to put french fries on my cheeseburger.

2. I am obsessed with Kate Middleton (aka the Duchess of Cambridge).

3. I cannot stand an unmade bed. I've made my half of it while my husband was still sleeping in the other half.

4. I did actually sit at my desk at work and cry the day R.E.M. announced their official breakup.

5. I still do math on my fingers.

6. I am fairly anti-hand sanitizer (the whole creation of supergerms thing), but am completely addicted to the smell of it.

7. There probably isn't more than a day that goes by where I don't think about how much I would love to live in England or France.

8. I avoid most creamy white condiments/foods (mayo, ranch dressing, rice pudding, sour cream, cream cheese). They skeeve me out but I can deal with some of them in some states - like dessert (sour cream, cream cheese). So the mayo on fries in Europe would be an issue. (Or maybe I'd stop eating fries. Bonus.)

9. I own probably around 50 pairs of shoes but I wear fewer than 10 of those pairs throughout the year.

10. I hate the movie The Notebook. I'm missing the genetic marker that says women have to love that movie. I reeeeally, really hate it.

11. My favorite joke in the whole world is:

Q: What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
A: Nacho cheese (not yo cheese!)

Nicole's 11 Questions:

1. What is your favorite way to spend a lazy day?
I don't remember the last time I had a lazy day. The closest I get to a lazy day are the rare weekend days where I say, "Eff the housework for today. Today, Nate and I are going to play and have fun and I'm going to spend naptime relaxing." (This always leads to the next day being the opposite of a relaxing day, but it still works somehow.)

2. Your first concert?
Tiffany at a local community college - I think the concert was at 4pm or something.

3. Your biggest fear and how you did/would conquer it.
We're basically always one financial issue away from not being able to afford our rent. My fear is that that will happen and we'll have to move in with relatives. We're currently working really hard to pay down debts, find other ways to earn, and increase our financial stability. But it's terrifying.

4. What profession would you least like to have?
Anything that had to do with death, ever - like doctor, veterinarian... Even though a lot of it would be pleasant, it wouldn't be worth the sad times for me. I especially could never be a pediatrician.

5. Do you still draft with pen and paper, or have you gone completely digital?
Depends on how I feel. Whatever I'm working on kind of "tells me" how to start. I like taking notes and organizing ideas on paper, but when it's time to write an essay, I sit down at the computer.

6. If there were no health repercussions, what one food could you live on forever?
Pizza or pasta.

7. What kind of exotic animal would you own as a pet if you could?
I'm at a place where I'd rather have no pets. I can't think of anything exotic I'd have any interest in taking care of at this point, probably because one toddler is exotic enough. LOL

8. Three movies you will never turn off:
It's Complicated, Say Anything, and Star Trek.

9. One thing you would change about your life:
One? If I think about this in terms of things I, personally, can change without needing someone else to change or some other thing to happen (like more income), I think I would watch less television. I'm trying to work on that now, recording fewer shows, but it's hard. I like TV; it's my "space out and de-stress" go-to. But I could get better things done.

10. What is your fondest childhood memory?
I always have a hard time with this question. I have a terrible memory, so I really don't remember a lot of things. And the things I do remember usually don't have something positive related to them - or even if they were a good time, I still remember something negative about it, too. (I must have been a real charmer of a child, I know.) I remember that I enjoyed a lot of things: my 8th birthday party, my 5th grade trip to the World Trade Center, the day I got contacts, my 16th birthday down the shore - but nothing that I'd consider a "fondest" memory.

11. Worst date you've ever been on?
Well, it wasn't the worst date so much as the worst aftermath. Second date with someone, he told me he was leaving the next day for a business trip and would call me after he got back. He never called and I'm pretty sure there was no trip. LOL

I'm not going to tag anyone in particular. If you read this and you want to do it, go for it and leave me a comment so I can go check yours out! I love random questions. If you decide you want to do this, follow the rules above - post 11 random things about yourself and answer my 11 questions:

1. What was your favorite vacation and why?

2. If you could live anywhere in the world and not have to worry about things like family being far away, where would you live?

3. What reading significantly impacted your life? (Book, article, poem, anything)

4. What's one thing you hate that it seems like everyone else likes?

5. What do you daydream about?

6. What did your bedroom look like when you were younger? (Any age you want to share.)

7. What's your morning routine?

8. Is there any food you absolutely refuse to eat (other than things you may be allergic to)? Why?

9. If skill/ability/money was no issue, what would be your dream job?

10. What memory has stuck with you even though you wish you could forget it?

11. What do you want your life to look like when you're 75?

P.S. I started this blog post on Monday. That's what my life is like right now. But I promise, checking out Nicole's blog is worth it any day. Go read it, right now. Go. I am in 100% agreement with her thoughts on contemporary concert-going.

7 Quick Tuesday Takes

 (source)
 

1. Do I have the only destructo-toddler? I read about people who give their iPads to their toddlers to watch videos and play games and my heart lurches because if I did that, my iPad would be dropped or flung across the room within a few minutes, no doubt. Who are you people with these non-destructive toddlers?

2. Yes, there is a huge celebration today for a bunch of guys who won a big football game. Yes, we should have an even bigger celebration for the troops who have returned home. No, these ideas don't need to be oppositional. We can (and should) have them both.

3. Freezer burritos are such an awesome thing. No lunch ideas? Too tired to pack lunch? Boom! Freezer burrito, at the ready.

4. I don't understand why everyone goes bonkers over red velvet (even outside Valentine's Day, it's always one of the best selling cupcakes according to a lot of vendors). But it's just cake. Red cake. But still just cake. (And I can take or leave cake.)

5. I'm hoping to get approval to take a day off next week to get my hair cut and highlighted. It will be my first haircut in 6 1/2 months and first highlights in nine months. Here's hoping my 2012 finances and time management are better than 2011's.

6. There's a restaurant in my town that's had a "Re-Grand Opening" sign up for months. Every time I drive past it, I want to go in and yell at them, "Grand RE-OPENING! Grand RE-OPENING! You can't re-grand something!" But I haven't done it yet. I think this confirms that I'm doing a fair job of keeping myself in check.

7. I have a good feeling about February. I think it's going to be a better month than the past few have been. Ever just have a good feeling about a chunk of time?

New Year, Old Clothes

As I drove to work this morning and was thinking about what I'd face when I got there (the start of the new academic quarter, new students, coworkers I haven't seen in two weeks because either I or they were on vacation, etc) and how I was wearing (again) one of my go-to outfits for work: grey plaid pants (very subtle plaid - definitely a neutral per Clinton and Stacy's rules), blue buttondown shirt (which is a little snug with the holiday weight I've gained) and grey flowy sweater (which is decidedly less flowy than it was in the fall, also due to holiday weight gain) - I thought, "Well, nothing's changed except the year."

And that's kind of where I am. I like to be a big proponent of perpetual self renewal and exploration and improvement, even when it's wrapped in the New Year days, but this year I just haven't been able to muster up the get-up-and-go for it. There is too much of the struggle of 2011 that isn't subsiding simply because there's a new calendar on the wall and that is making it hard for me to feel any of the drive and hope that resolutions and ideas and wishes need to have behind them.

I usually love winter. I love the chill and bundling up and snow. But ever since last winter's disastrous utility bills, I've been fearing this winter because if we have bills like that again, we're sunk. Every week, instead of wondering excitedly when I'll be able to introduce Nate to playing in the snow (which I'm guessing he probably won't actually like), I fear a snowy forecast because it means a higher heating bill.

Everything - simply everything - in my life right now is tied down with concerns about money. It's hard to find renewal and inspiration when you are basically homebound due to financial constraints. As I think that out loud to myself, though, I immediately think of people who are homebound due to physical or mental disability and how I would fully believe this does not force them to live a "lesser than" life - so why should it for me?

There are things I can do, things I plan to do. For example, I need to finish my incomplete course from last spring. It's a required course, so if I don't finish it by May, I'll have to retake it. That would be seriously stupid on my part. So I just need to buckle down and do it and stop griping internally that I don't have a workspace, that I can't concentrate at home. I just have to. Period.

Maybe completing some big as well as some small things I need to get done will help me feel better. Not having stuff hanging over me always helps. We still won't be any closer to paying the rent without difficulty, but any lessening of concerns should be helpful. (I think. Can't hurt to try.)

2011 had some truly stellar moments, but it also had a million small (and some big) difficult moments. For 2012, all I wish is that the ratio flips. Life will have difficult moments; it's how we grow. But I really could do with the universe's stellar moments tipping in my favor a bit more this year. I'm not looking for favors or handouts. I will work hard as hell to deserve more; I just feel like 2011 was a lot of work without the rewards and opportunities.

I have a cautious feeling in my gut that great things are coming. I said as much to a friend a few weeks ago and really, truly meant it. I fear that 2012 will be 2011 all over again, but it can't be. It already was; it cannot be again. What comes can only be new and what is new is still yet to be determined, so I have to reason I can still affect change.

So onward we trudge. Upwards, 2012, here we go.

In the Company of Men

I'm wearing a pair of men's socks today. Which man's socks? I don't actually know because none of the men in my house will claim them. Hubby says they're not his. My brother says they're not his. They're certainly not mine and I don't know any other man who would've left them behind, so this mystery remains.

Growing up, whenever I entertained the idea of having children, I always wanted sons. What I don't think I really thought about was the implication of being an outnumbered female in my own home. Here's the breakdown in my home:

Males: the hubby, Nate, my brother, and Buster

Females: me and Oreo

I have to count the dogs because otherwise I'm simply the sole female at home. What I've come to realize is that, in my home at least, the number of males is directly proportionate to the amount of noise.

Me at home: usually watching TV, surfing the web, or cooking in the kitchen. Quiet.

Oreo at home: curled up sleeping somewhere comfortable (these days under the Christmas tree)

Compare that to what I generally overhear when my male family members are home:

"Auuuugghhh!" (Hubby just got killed in a computer game.)

"Auuuughhhh!" (Something happened during the football game my brother is watching.)

"Aaaiieeee! Hahahahahaha! Oh noooooo! " (Nate, wreaking general havoc.)

"RUH RUH RUH RUH RUH!" (Buster, barking at some imagined threat.)

The thing is, I know little girls are chatty. (Hell, many women are chatty and it's a given cliche that men often want their wives to stop talking.) So I suppose it could be quieter but more constant, although Nate's level of noise is pretty constant, just kind of... bombastic.

When the noise erupts, I still check on it. "Hi, just making sure you didn't impale yourself on something and aren't bleeding out, unable to crawl for help. No? Okay, then I'm going back to watching America's Next Top Model."

(ANTM being a perfect example of why I wouldn't actually prefer to live with women. Okay, it's an edited-for-drama reality show... but still. I'll take sports-and-gaming yelling over catty arguments any day.)

I spent years living in quiet. My parents' house is generally quiet. My apartment in grad school was tremendously quiet... and I liked it that way. This has been an adjustment, but I think I'm pretty used to it now. I jump at the noise less frequently than I used to.

And I got a pair of socks out of the deal.

Time for holiday trimmings

I need a haircut. Badly. My ends all look like they're trying to jump ship but got tangled in the anchor cable. (Am I mixing metaphors or what?) The problem is, I can't afford my regular stylist right now - so much so that I'm actually debating going to the dreaded Supercuts. Am I crazy?

For the record, a kid's haircut at Nate's hairdresser is $15 - and kids will scream and cry and thrash about. I promise to be super nice and patient - can my haircut be $15?

I need to have a good 3 inches taken off all around, but couldn't figure out how to describe what I wanted. But when one is in need of style inspiration, where does one go? Pinterest, of course!

Think Supercuts could manage any of these styles or some amalgamation of them?

 I think this is the photo I'd bring in to the appointment:

 I love this base color and highlights:

 I like ends that flip up (on purpose):

 

 Nice angles on the ends:

Great side-swept bangs (which drive me crazy, but I love how they look):

 

It's so hard to get a hairstyle you like. I had the best hairdresser once but he had to go and have a nervous breakdown and then was never the same again. Prior to that, I didn't even need to tell him what I wanted done - I could just go in and say things like, "Well, I want, like, a reddish blondish brown that's kinda short but fun but will still be okay for work" and he'd do exactly what I didn't even fully know I wanted. It was the most simpatico relationship I've ever had and I miss him more than any ex-boyfriend or ex-friend, seriously. A great hairdresser is so hard to find.

7 Quick Tuesday Takes - faux post-tryptophan

Faux post-tryptophan because I ended up actually not eating much turkey (or much of anything) on Thanksgiving. I crammed five minutes of food in my face and then spent the rest of dinner chasing Nate off everything dangerous (mostly the stairs) in my BIL and SIL's house. But to honor the holiday none-the-less, I spent the next four days being as lazy as Nate would let me be (which isn't much).

So here are Tuesday's musings:

1 - I had two weeks to do my homework for tonight. When did I start it? Last night at 8pm. Some things never change, even when you're a teacher.

2 - It's not a good sign when you get an email saying the final project due date was extended to next week and you think, "Wait, that's an extension? So it was due this week???" and it's a total shock because you just have not been paying attention to the details this semester. Content, yes - I am all over my course content this semester... but the details contributing to my grade? Not as much.

3 - Nate has become a major hugger. He hugs everyone all the time now and says, "Awwww!" and pats you on the back as he hugs you. I melt every time... and I have tucked this memory away in my mental file box to pull out when he's 15 and doesn't want to hug me.

4 - I told my sister the other day not to turn 36 because there's just something about 36 that aches. I have regular aches and stiffness that I never had before and they really feel like they came on all of a sudden in the past few months. Is there something about 36?

5 - I was reading a blog post where someone said something about 40 not being scary at all and how women need to embrace it. My first thought was, "Eff. 40? Crap. That's less than four years away. Eff." Better start working on embracing that idea now. (And in my head I don't say "eff." I say the f-word. A lot. Just too prudish to type it out for all of intarwebs posterity.)

6 - I'm starting to put together the menu for Christmas Eve; we're hosting my family again this year and my goal is to have a simple but scrumptious meal. I may have stolen the phrase "simple but scrumptious" from The Pioneer Woman's Food Network show intro... but it works. Basically, I don't want to make anything complicated. As Carla Hall says in her intro on The Chew:when I cook I want my food to hug you. Simple, scrumptious, huggy food. And I'll stop stealing TV intro quotes now.

7 - Life needs to slow down. I need a week to just sit in my living room and stare at our Christmas tree and think. Do you ever sit in the dark with a lit Christmas tree and just think? I find it to be one of the most valuable meditative experiences in life.

And with that, on goes Tuesday. What's your quick 7 today?