Graduated Graduations

Eight years ago at this time, I was a recent NYU graduate, having received my B.A. in creative writing on May 12, 2005.

Five years ago at this time, I was a recent Rutgers graduate, having received my M.A. in English (I didn't attend the graduation).

Tonight, I am about 12 hours away from pretending to receive my EdM (Master of Education) in English Education at Teachers College, Columbia University.

It's funny, I always thought nothing would compare to my NYU graduation. It was such a perfect day. The ceremony took place in Washington Square Park, which was covered in purple tulips (NYU's color, violet). It was due to rain but ended up being a beautiful day. (As one of my coworkers said, "It never rains on NYU.") It was most momentous, though, because I worked really hard to get there. I spent seven years as an undergrad, taking time off in the middle and switching schools (I had started at Muhlenberg College, a small liberal arts school in PA).

I was proud of myself that day, something I rarely feel or admit. I felt accomplished. I finally had something I felt like everyone else had, something I thought I should have had earned years earlier.

For my M.A., everything felt about right. I worked hard but I felt recognized for it. I had a trip to Ireland around the corner and just didn't see a reason to make time for graduation when I was preparing for that trip and looking for a job.

This time, I don't know if I'll ever have another graduation. I might be done with my education now. I might not. I don't know. But why miss the chance to walk for an advanced degree, especially at a school I'm proud to have attended. It still seems, though, that my NYU graduation will remain the most fondly remembered.

There's a bit of shine off the day due to my unfinished thesis and the fact that while I'll still be class of 2013, it'll be October, not May. I'm a bit angry that this whole situation has tarnished my Teachers College experience. Up until this, I loved everything about my experience there and now I feel like I might never feel the same wearing the sweatshirt again. I'm hoping this is just temporary and once I finish my thesis, I will feel accomplished again and the walk I take tomorrow will feel like it fits.

Helloooo from way over here...

Oh, lordy. It's been weeks! Weeks!! I changed hosts for the blog (since I had been wanting to drop my previous to-be-unnamed host for quite a while) and then couldn't figure out how to get the new host to point to Squarespace and my domain. Womp womp.

I also didn't have time to call my new host and get some help until today - almost THREE WEEKS after the switch over. Oy. These past three weeks have been a humdinger, and we'll have to catch up and all, but right now I am just so overjoyed to be able to write this post. I've been on Twitter and Instagram, of course, but it's just not the same as writing. Man, have I missed writing.

Not that I haven't been doing any writing. Oh, no. I turned in a 52 page thesis in order to finish my EdM (Master of Education in English Education). However - plot twist - I found out Monday night at 7:30pm that it needs significant revision and I will not officially graduate next week as planned. I do get to walk at graduation (thankfully, since I already purchased my regalia) but my degree will be issued in October and I have to pay a graduation re-filing fee.

Sigh. Because of course.

I was feeling so, so good up until 7:29pm on Monday. I was done with this degree and with school for the foreseeable future. I'm burnt out and tired of reading scholarly articles and conducting research. I was ready for a fun summer with Nate and not feeling like I'm barely getting by at work because my mind is on school. But, no. Not yet, anyway.

But at least the blog is back up. I have a zillion photos from my photo-a-day project. Plus, Nate turned three last week (three!!!). So there is so much to discuss and ponder.

Welcome back, blog. You've been missed.

My Life by iPhone - Days 59 - 94

Really? I didn't post at all for the month of March? Oy, life. So here's what was going on...

Day 59 - Eating an ice cream sandwich in bed. We all do this, right?

Day 60 - Kayaks outside the mall. It seemed hopeful spring would be arriving soon, but as we know now, that was so not the case.

Day 61 - Dinner at the new Steak and Shake near us. It was yummy!

Day 62 - My sister's kids sit on the counter all the time, but I don't do it with Nate much because he won't think anything of trying to get down on his own.

Day 63 - My new Casetegram case. Makes me happy.

Day 64 - An insanely late night at work. That's my car, all alone in the parking lot.

Day 65 - Geese trying to enroll in school?

Day 66 - Nate walking around Trader Joe's (a rarity - he is usually confined to a cart).

Day 67 - Snow. Again. Winter, you're drunk. Go home.

Day 68 - Nate's first trip to Starbucks. He loved it.

Day 69 - Stained recipe book pages mean love.

Day 70 - Coffee at the car dealership.

Day 71 - Sometimes Blue and George are my co-pilots.

Day 72 - Beautiful Day

Day 73 - Blue took the wheel alone this day.

Day 74 - Reading in bed late at night with a beer. Total relaxation.

Day 75 - Nate catching snowflakes on his tongue. (MORE snow! Augh!)

Day 76 - Tom and I went out to dinner on St. Patrick's Day. I ordered a beer, but I didn't order a green one. That they did on their own.

Day 77 - My new TARDIS pen/pencil pouch. :-D

Day 78 - Nate jumping through the dribs of snow outside. (MORE SNOW?!)

Day 79 - A Bear in Underwear doll I found. Nate loves the books but this bear was a little overpriced.

Day 80 - This creepy vulture or something was right by my work. Eep.

Day 81 - I got a haircut and highlights!

Day 82 - Nate and I had a breakfast date.

Day 83 - We bought new leashes for the dogs but Nate wanted me to wear it and then walked me around the house.

Day 84 - Nate was not thrilled to meet the Easter bunny.

Day 85 - I thought those were stuffed animals, but they were two real dogs in the back window of that car.

Day 86 - Cleaning week at work.

Day 87 - Nate likes a chair on the couch.

Day 88 - They yanked the hard drive out of my computer at work and put it in a new tower.

Day 89 - This dog loves laying in the sun.

Day 90 - Easter! One of Nate's gifts was an Angry Birds hooded towel :)

Day 91 - Wearing sequined TOMS.

Day 92 - Whole wheat, flax, wheat germ, banana waffles made by Nate and me.

Day 93 - Nate's bedtime companions.

Day 94 - This truck was being towed in front of me and it was really weird to drive facing the front of a tractor trailer.

So, yeah, just a lot of daily life going on. But I like making sure I take a picture every day and save it somewhere to remember all the moments I might otherwise forget.

Penguin Book Adventures

A few weeks ago, I received an email from an author, Melissa Guion, saying she found my site because she wrote a children's book about penguins and found "Bookish Penguin" in her Google travels. As it then turns out, we have a lot in common (not the least of which is the fact that she's a former north Jersey resident) so she sent me a copy of her book, Baby Penguins Everywhere, for Nate.

This book is completely adorable. It's about a penguin who is kind of lonely, but then finds a baby penguin... and another... and another... until there are baby penguins everywhere and the mommy penguin just wants some time to herself.

When I first read this with Nate I thought, "I hear ya, sister!" but then I thought: this is a really smart thing to write a children's book about. There are times that mommy penguins do need some time to themselves and this book could help explain that to little ones. Really brilliant and sensitive.

So when I checked out all of Melissa's info (I follow her on Twitter now) and realized she would be doing a reading near me, I had to take Nate. I had significant trepidations, though -- if you can believe it, this was to be Nate's first public reading. I know, seems unlikely, but for my little doesn't-like-to-sit-down, prefers-to-run-and-explore little man, sitting for the reading of a whole book in an interesting public place just hasn't been possible. (He sits wonderfully for three or four books in a row at home and "reads" on his own, too.)

So with great hopes, off we went to Watchung Booksellers... and had a GREAT time! We were there early (because I can't not be early) and this gave Nate some time to explore the children's section of the bookstore before he was expected to sit still for a while. He got really antsy, but Melissa was really great at engaging the children and really bringing the story to life. She then showed the children how she draws penguins. The super amazing part about this is that when we went home, Nate was actually imitating what she showed them and drawing pseudo-penguins on his MagnaDoodle. It was really amazing to see. He had really been engaged in and listening to Melissa during and after the reading.

A reporter from the Montclair Patch was there to cover the reading. You can see Nate and I (and Curious George!) at the reading here. (The picture was taken before the reading when Nate was kind of antsy and getting frustrated, so he's flopping over and looks a little disgruntled.)

Melissa's book continues to be in our bedtime reading rotation, along with two other books we purchased at Watchung Booksellers that day: Dragons Love Tacos and Kate and Nate are Running Late. (Come on, how can I not buy a "Nate" book, right?)

I'm so glad Melissa stumbled across my blog and we connected and this led to Nate's first reading. I can't wait to take him to more readings and for Melissa to write new books.

My Life by iPhone - Days 50 - 58

Today is one of those days where I wish I could talk about finding joy in small things... but really I just wanted to smash things. Sigh. That said, I didn't have to work late tonight (I usually do) so I had some extra time with Nate. He's a bit crazy in the evenings, way too full of energy and a non-stop whirling dervish, but that's still better than everything else I had to deal with today that made my eyeballs ache by 2pm.

It's been a week of ups and downs, times of overly-busy-ness, times of hopeful thinking, and times of fun.

Day 50 - Blogging about the overturned emotional apple cart. Tough day, no other photos.

Day 51 - Nate loves to eat whole apples now. It's really funny because it takes him so long to eat it and he drips apple juice all over the house (okay, that part's not funny). This day it was the first thing he wanted when he woke up, hence the crazy hair.

Day 52 - Led a workshop at work about writing research papers, provided snacks that later became my lunch. (I could very happily eat cheese and crackers for lunch every day.)

Day 53 - Nate helped me drag the garbage cans to the curb for garbage day.

Day 54 - I took Nate for a haircut and then out to breakfast. I love the faux-hawk they give him now. He loves the strawberry banana orange juice he only gets on these special occasions.

Day 55 - Nate wanted to hold my hand while we watched TV. I might have cried. I might be tearing up now just thinking about it. I love those little hands.

Day 56 - Nate doing a "naked bunny hop" wrapped in his Thomas towel after his bath. Kid loves bathtime, what can I say.

Day 57 - Out to dinner at Chipotle with my two favorite guys.

Day 58 - This Ford Explorer said "Exprlore" instead. Yeah, I don't know. Crazy day today and it's the only thing I stopped to take a picture of.

I am now counting the hours until the weekend!

The real cost of miscarriage

Yesterday I got a letter from my FSA company that recent charges needed backup paperwork "to determine if they are eligible for health care expenses." I looked down to see what the expense was and it was my $150 copay to the hospital emergency room the night of my miscarriage.

Having worked in benefits for almost 10 years, I don't usually blink at stuff like this. I wanted to be annoyed, but to the FSA company's credit, the expense is just to "X Medical" with no details. Fair enough. Annoying and something I really didn't want to be forced to think about again, but fair enough.

Tom printed out the EOB (explanation of benefits for you folks who didn't spend a decade in benefits) so I could scan it at work and upload it on the FSA website. I hadn't thought much of the medical details of the evening, so they took me a bit by surprise:

Radiology: $165
Radiology: $140 (I had two ultrasounds)
OP Misc Services: $2,632.34
Total: $2,937.34

Nearly three grand to tell me what I already knew was happening (though I do not regret going to make sure nothing worse was happening). $2600 to sit in the emergency room. No meds dispensed or anything. Bloodwork was run, so that's part of it... but still. Expensive.

And here, because I can't help myself, I have to say something about insurance. I'm going to assume you know all know how in-network benefits work and that by being in-network, a provider agrees to reduced fees. But I'm not sure everyone understands just how much that reduction is.

Ultrasound 1: $165 (charged) - 106.16 (discount) = $58.84 paid by plan
Ultrasound 2: $140 - $89.77 = $50.23
OP Misc: $2632.34 - $2432.34 = $50

Total charged: $2937.34
Total paid by plan: $159.07

So, I basically paid the same amount that my insurance company did. We both paid about 5% of the total bill. However, if I was unemployed and without insurance, I'd have to pay the total $2937.34. How in any sane world does that make sense? (Hint: it doesn't.) I can't imagine having to go through this and then also having to worry about where I would get $3000 from. (I know there is assistance available sometimes for things like this but just overall the cost structure is unfair.)

The question about my claim is fixed and my FSA is in good standing. Hopefully that's the last I have to unexpectedly read about the scenario.

I bought skinny jeans. Hold me.

Right now I'm taking a class about transformative learning, which is an adult learning theory that examines how people change through the process of learning. One part of this is that they have to know their current selves, realize their new selves, and then be able to merge those concepts of themselves into their new persona.

If you've ever watched What Not To Wear (and if you haven't, you should), this is what happens there. Someone was one thing. Stacy and Clinton force her to think of herself a new way. She resists, then little by little gives in and finally talks about how the new her is just like the old her but better. She learned and she transformed.

That was me this past Saturday.

It's been a long time since I've had new clothes, mainly due to budget. We simply don't have money to go shopping. When I think about how I used to shop for clothes 10 years ago, it feels like a different lifetime (and, I guess, pre-marriage, pre-Tom even, and pre-Nate, it really was). But I've found myself in need of clothes because a lot of stuff no longer fits right and even my good clothes have begun to wear out to the point of being unwearable. I haven't even been near fashionable in about four or five years. It's felt sad but there wasn't much I could do about it.

I used to be the person my friends asked for clothing advice. They took me shopping with them so I could advise. I can still do that because even though I no longer participate in fashionable dress, I read about it all the time. 

But then I found myself face to face with a wall of skinny jeans. I stood, mouth agape, for quite literally a minute or two, unable to figure out what I should do. Finally an awesome saleswoman asked if I needed help - which I clearly did - and she shoved me into a dressing room with a pair of black skinny jeans.

I tried them on, expecting to want to puke at the sight of myself in them. But I didn't. I felt fine. I felt modern. I felt like me again.

I bought them and then wore them out to dinner with my husband, along with a beautiful blousy top, black lace-up booties, and a long necklace (another trend I had yet to master). I have no picture to share but I can tell you I felt awesome, if a little unsure of myself. It was like the first time you go driving alone after securing your drivers license. Someone's told you that you can do this and you feel awesome and amazing doing it, but simultaneously terrified and like an impostor.

That said, I earned some coupons while shopping this weekend and will be going back to buy a dark blue pair of the same jeans. And eventually I'll buy some boots I can tuck them into, a look I've been wanting to try but have been afraid of for so long because I felt like plus-size women couldn't wear the look well.

Well, 1 - I don't believe that anymore and 2 - I don't care, even if someone does believe it. It has felt absolutely amazing and wonderful to feel like me again the past five days and I plan to maintain that feeling because I had forgotten what it was like to treat myself like I was worth something. It's funny how a silly pair of scary skinny jeans can do all this, but they can.

Emotional Apple Cart

upset the apple cart: to disturb or overturn a natural or stable order
(source: merriam-webster.com)

I don't think I'd ever describe my emotional state as stable, although I do believe that's natural. I have suffered from anxiety and depression, have gone through therapy and been on medication for both, and continue to deal with these aspects of myself (even though I no longer use/need medication and am not in therapy, although I could probably benefit from it). Even within my PMS, I don't have physical symptoms (cramps, bloating, etc); I have mental/emotional ones. My mental state is my Achilles heel; if anything is going to injury me, that's where it's going to be. I can always drag my ass out of bed. I can always find reserves of energy to complete tasks... but I can't always do these things without some tears or throwing or kicking something.

Since the miscarriage, I've felt like I've been on the sideline of my emotions. They're playing their own game and I'm just sitting by, watching the plays unfold. At least every other day after work - sometimes every day - I get in my car and cry... and I have no idea if this is because my job is extraordinarily annoying and unusually unfulfilling lately or if it's hormones or the loss or some combination thereof.

Something sad in an expected way can really throw me for a loop. Last week we had to attend the wake and funeral for Tom's aunt. Something about going just didn't feel right, but I felt obligated to honor the family so I went. But right before we walked up to the funeral home for the wake, I started gasping for breath and it was like a tunnel zoomed in on the funeral home. Panic attack. But pausing for 30 seconds and getting my breath back did the trick. Inside was still difficult, but I pushed through. The day was bigger than me and I wanted to do what I could, even if we only stayed for a little while before I started to feel uneasy again.

We went to brunch on Sunday and our server mentioned she had a son the same age as Nate and then excitedly announced she was due in August with her second child. I was due in August, so she's where I was, basically. I glitched for a second but then smiled and was excited for her. That's the interesting (and really good) thing, to me - that I'm not faking any joy. I am honestly SO excited and happy for my friends who recently had babies or are currently pregnant. The joy I feel for them is completely unmarked by the miscarriage. If anything, it all feels even more precious and wonderful than it did before.

I've spent a lot of time in my life being sad. I was emo before the word existed. I spent much of my teen years and twenties sad about something, everything, nothing. For a long time, feeling sad felt more natural and comfortable to me than feeling happy. That's actually not the case anymore, but feeling sad still doesn't feel like a bad thing in and of itself. So I don't mind being sad but... I don't know. This sad feels like it sucks, which is different.

Side note: can I add that I hate miscarriage terminology? "Loss/lost the baby" - No, I did not put him/her down somewhere and misplace him/her. "Miscarriage" - mis-carry. Carry wrong. Like I did something fundamentally wrong, made a mistake, and am paying the price. Am I missing any other terminology? Those were the only two I could think of and both make me feel bad and guilty. Anything else sounded too clinical and stark. How do we not have better wording for this?

This is all hard. No part of this is uncomplicated. I even read some stories this week of women who thought they were losing their babies but then ended up having successful pregnancies. (There's another term - I guess mine was unsuccessful. My bad, again.) Those stories were hard to read, but there was a bright side - they described awful hospital help. Cold, clinical people who appeared unsympathetic (which I'm sorry they had to experience). I feel lucky, though, to have had all warm, nice people at the hospital. At no point did I feel anyone was disinterested or saw me as just another patient.

So I can see that bright spot. It's not all dark. It's just all over the place.

My Life by iPhone - Days 43 - 49

I promise, there's a "real" post coming soon. I've got one drafted and one in my head. In the meantime, though, here's what I've been up to.

Day 43 - I did nothing of note that day except create this image of myself on my phone. Exciting life, I know. (I forget the name of the app because I already deleted it.)

Day 44 - Baked self-filled cupcakes for Valentine's Day at work.

Day 45 - The finished V-day cupcake product (I couldn't resist the little heart flags at Target)

Day 46 - The last day of the Valentine's balloons at work. I loved them at the start of the week, but by the end of the week I was crabby and read to tear them down.

Day 47 - I bought and wore my first pair of skinny jeans. This was a shopping experience worthy of its own post (to come). The occasion? The hubby and I went out. To dinner! Just us! To a restaurant with adults! This happens about once a year so it's a noteworthy occasion.

Day 48 - Damn you, Dan Stevens. GAH. I knew the basic story and ending of the season finale of Downton Abbey (just not the specifics) but this didn't make me any less pissed off at the end. Like, so pissed I dreamt about it most of the night and woke up annoyed.

Day 49 - Nate ate a cupcake! What is so momentous about a toddler eating a cupcake? Well, the fact that this was Nate's first. Before today he hated cupcakes - all cake, actually. (He still won't eat ice cream, ice pops, pudding... most dessert, really.) But I had some of my Valentine's cupcakes left over and he asked for one so I figured we'd see what happens... and he ate about 2/3 of it.

Nothing crazy, just life rolling on. Happy that we're at mid-February and can hopefully shake off some of this bitter cold in the near future. Hoping the next week is a great one!

My Life by iPhone - Days 37 - 42

My goal this year is to take at least one photo a day. I think it'll be cool at the end of the year to look back and see what my year was like.

Day 37 - There was a jazz trio at work who played while the Drawing I class sat and sketched. I sat there and ate my lunch. There was such a cool vibe going on; I loved it.

Day 38 - Nate keeps grouping his apps on my iPad... and he groups them correctly, which amuses me. (Ex. He put Mickey and Disney Jr. together.)

Day 39 - The start of the snow. Nate did not want to get in the car when I picked him up from the babysitter. He just wanted to stomp around her parking lot in the snow and "make tracks."

Day 40 - Nate playing in the aftermath of Nemo. He LOVED the snow and did not care how cold he got. He especially loved throwing snowballs (no surprise) and had his heart dead set on building a snowman. (Our snowman was so pathetic and sad so there's no picture. It was basically just a mound of snow, but it worked for Nate.

Day 41 - Baking Valentine's week cookies for work.

Day 42 - Today was SO foggy. It was one of those days where you stand in NYC and can't see NJ right across the river. It's always so crazy when that happens. Driving home across the GWB, halfway over, I couldn't see NYC behind me or NJ in front of me. It was like driving in a vortex or something. Super creepy but cool.

The upcoming week includes a lot of stuff at work... just... lots. (Ugh. I hate a packed week.) BUT a potential dinner out for the hubby and I on Saturday. We have literally go out to dinner, just the two of us, ONCE A YEAR since Nate was born. (Bad, bad us.) So to say I am looking forward to it would be an understatement. I adore Nate but I also adore being able to eat and complete whole sentences in conversation.

So we'll see what interesting things the upcoming week brings!